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Embracing The Despair

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You are an Illini fan. You came to this party for the crying, not the cake.

Yup. That is certainly a big football.
Yup. That is certainly a big football.
Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports

You wake up. Something seems ... off. You can't quite put your finger on it. Oh ... wait, yes you can. The ceiling collapsed over your bed while you were asleep. You are buried under drywall and installation. A cocoon of asbestos envelopes you.

Breaking news: Illinois quarterback Wes Lunt's arms were both devoured by a mountain lion this morning. He is expected to miss the next 4-6 weeks.

You shuffle somberly towards the bathroom to shower and clean the carcinogens off your weary skin. Through no fault of your own, but in fact a clerical error brought to pass by a different summer intern at each utility company (each given the job through the beloved old boys' network), every last one of your utilities has been shut off. You climb into the tub anyways and use four 2 liter bottles of Sprite to rinse the shampoo and conditioner from your hair.

Breaking news: Freshman offensive lineman Gabe Megginson deemed ineligible for play after the NCAA discovers he is actually a well-trained and remarkably literate Alaskan brown bear.

You make your way to the kitchen for breakfast. A medium-sized family of rats have decimated your food stocks. The only thing they left you to eat is one half package of chili lime flavored ramen noodles. You notice you are running late, so you eat the brick uncooked, occasionally remembering to sprinkle on the seasoning as you walk to your car.

Breaking news: While touring Europe, the Illinois basketball team took an accidental detour and spent seven hours at the Chernobyl disaster site while waiting for a ride. Kendrick Nunn and Malcolm Hill fused into one being. Unfortunately, this solitary being is unable to decide upon a name or number and as such cannot play until a jersey can be made.

Oh dear. The large sixth graders from the 3rd floor of your building appear to have stolen your car. All is not lost however, as they at least had the manners to leave you one of their bicycles (though it is missing the left pedal and the rear tire is more hexagonal than round) and what appears to be just enough bus fare to get you to work. Say what you will about those ruffians, but they understand some standard of courtesy.

Breaking news: Kick returner/corner back V'Angelo Bentley disappeared today while returning a kick in practice. It is currently believed that he ran so fast that he actually went backwards in time, eventually becoming the lightning bolt that originally struck him as a youth, granting him superspeed in the first place.

You drop your $.35 into the coin receptacle and take your seat towards the middle of the bus when you first hear the music. Oh no. Not today. You realize too late that it is the fifth Thursday of the month. The day when the roving bands of vagrants are allotted by law to have their bus orgies. "How did this law pass?" you wonder, as the swarm of humans washes over you. "Oh yeah, it passed by one vote." you remember, realizing you spent voting day building a model ice cream van in your living room. You look down and realize one of the vagrants ate your ramen block when you weren't looking.

Breaking news: Tim Beckman has been extended as head coach of the Illinois football program for what is currently being reported as "the rest of your, yes your, life." More as the situation develops.

You begin to weep.