(If you want the real report, read this first. This article is for comedic purposes only)
That's right, a staple of late-night dates on the campus of the University of Illinois is up for sale. The Custard Cup has been in Champaign since 1983 and has drawn the business of fans, students, coaches, and staff of the Illini Athletic program. It has quickly become a traditional stop for yours truly, as the recipe for their frozen desserts are second to none. Just ask Tom Hanks...
Champaign, IL! Jarling’s Custard Cup 4 Sale! Doug and Christy are selling! The recipe alone is worth $$$$$$! Get o… http://t.co/2AKEYHhzBw— Tom Hanks (@tomhanks) March 12, 2015
(Don't worry, his brother is a professor at the University...Tom Hanks is not going "Bill Murray" on us)
For those of us that remember Aunt Sonya's, the news of Custard Cup being up for sale nearly broke my heart. Too often we've seen wonderful culinary traditions on campus close, and the time has come where we need to step up and stand together to protect these delicious developments.
You know that part of the evening where you've had JUST enough to drink, and you desperately try to find your best friend that's wandered off to another part of the bar? After what seems like hours of searching, you stumble upon your buddy doing whatever they're doing. Without hesitation, you approach them and immediately proclaim, "WE SHOULD BUY A BAR DUUUDDDDEEEE!"
You know it's a thing...it happens almost every night (and all the HIMYM fans out there get this too).
It sounds like a good idea at the time! You can charge less money for drinks, and more people will show up. There never is any cover charge, and you get to pick the music that's playing (and avoid that guy that decides death metal is the best music for mingling...don't be that guy). The power of giving free drinks away makes you desire such an establishment, and you instantly start thinking about what you're going to name it. The point I'm trying to make here is this...
WE SHOULD BUY CUSTARD CUP!!!
Think about it, we should pool our money together and buy Custard Cup. It's already associated as one of the best ice cream shops in town, it's close to the athletic and tailgate facilities, and we would have no problem finding customers to generate business. Heck! We could work with DIA and set up an ice cream cart in SFC or early season Memorial Stadium games.
The only issue would be budgeting our money to be able to afford it. The average cost of an ice cream shop is roughly $50,000 according to the National Ice Cream Retailers Association. Considering we have a GREAT fanbase, we need your help to raise some money together so we all can buy the shop. We'll even give priority employment opportunities to our readers for helping contribute to this effort.
Our staff has been pretty good about spending money, but there certainly is room to save a few extra dollars. So I had the guys in TCR Labs crunch a few numbers and break down each writer's monthly budget to see where we could cut back our costs. Surprisingly enough, the results were a bit different than expected. Lets take a look at the breakdown:
Writers and Creative Staff
Brandon Cain: Illini Wrestling Season Tickets+Those shell things that protect your ears=$50
Bryce Smith: School Bus Fare+Custom Nike Shoes (those are sweet btw)= $150
Andrew Fishel: Subscription to BTN and ESPN3+Editing Software+A Brand New Box of Pencils=$100
Aaron Rench: iPad app for creating gameday posters+inflatable lawn Illini player=$50
Brad Repplinger: Podbean Subscription+RedBull+BEvERages=$150
Trevor Vallese: Video Editing Software+MLB.com subscription(was told it's for streaming Cub games)=$100
Total Budget: $600
Proposed Budget: $450 ($150 to purchase of Custard Cup)
Let's face it, I could probably ease up on the RedBull. Bryce could walk to school instead of taking the bus, so that saves money on gas. I'm not even sure Fishel hasn't used a pencil since the 3rd grade, and Rench can lay off the decorative lawn inflatables for this season. Also, has Trevor edited any videos for us ever? Bottom line, there's lots of room to cut some spending and invest in the store.
According to the guys in the lab, our Managing Editors and E.I.C have a combined budget. I had them list everything expensed to our TCR Account (not a thing) to see what they've purchased in the last year. Here's what we found:
- 1 Dressing room (attn: Mark Primiano)
- 1 Globe Bar for Dressing Room (attn: Mark Primiano)
- 1 Hot Tub for Dressing Room (attn: Mr. Mark Primiano)
- 1 Subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine for Dressing Room (attn: Sir M. Primiano)
- Scotch Club of the month subscription (attn: Dr. Mark Primiano)
- 3 Bottles of Advil for dealing with silly comments/purchased daily (attn: Mark Primiano)
- 4 Bags of Lightly Salted Cashews (attn: Mark Primiano)
- 5 Piece Jazz Combo for Dressing Room (attn: M. Primiano)
- 6 pack of Moet Champagne for Dressing Room/Swedish Bikini Team (attn: Esq. M. Primiano)
- Valet Parking (attn: MP)
- Illini Basketball Warm-Up Suit (attn: Jim Vainisi)
- Snickers Bar (attn: Matt Silich)
Total Budget: $49,500+*
*- We were informed that the receipts for valet parking+gratuity are still being added up, so our total budget will increase once those are added. It has been reported by the valet attendant that Mr. Primiano tips very well.
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Happy Friday. Go Illini. None of this is real.