Open Bar: I Have Seen The Future Of Sportscenter

On Sunday night the NFL season ended, and while the Baltimore Ravens were celebrating and Jim Harbaugh was sulking, I was having visions. Visions of the future of ESPN and Sportscenter to be specific. These visions were strong, and they were terrifying.

And today I share these visions with you.

(the vision begins in the ESPN Sportscenter studio after the New York Giants have defeated the Dallas Cowboys 31-14 on Monday Night Football. Mike Tirico has just sent it back to the studio where Scott Van Pelt and Steve Levy sit)

Van Pelt: Wow, Jerry Jones is not going to be happy. Welcome to Sportscenter, everyone, I'm your host, Scott Van Pelt and with me is a man who would rather be watching hockey, Steve Levy. A whole lot to get to tonight, but first we'll take you back to Cowboys Stadium and Stuart Scott. Stu?

(camera changes to Stuart Scott sitting at an anchor table on the Dallas sidelines)

Scott: Thank you, Scott. ELI WENT BANANAS TONIGHT AND NOW THE GIANTS HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF THE NFC EAST. RAY RAY, WHY DID THE GIANTS WIN THIS GAME?

(the camera changes to Ray Lewis, who is seated to Scott's left at the table)

Lewis: The Giants won because God wanted them to. God doesn't make mistakes, Stu, and He saw the hubris and pride of this building of sin and judged the Cowboys righteously.

(the camera then pans to Lewis' left where Tim Tebow is seated)

Tebow: He's right, Stu.

Scott: GOD LOVES THE GIANTS, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. AND NOW TIME FOR OUR COORS LIGHT COLD HARD BIBLE STORIES.

End scene

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