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#AskTCR: Saban To Illinois?

YOU HAVE QUESTIONS, WE HAVE ANSWERS. THOUGH NOT ALL ANSWERS MAY BE TO THE QUESTIONS YOU WERE ASKING.

By Apollo Forza
Spruce Derden-USA TODAY Sports

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and at the moment I'm pretty thankful for the last week of Illini sports. Since we last solved all your problems in #AskTCR, we've seen three Illini wins, including our first conference win in football in over two years.

Of course we've also seen one former Illini sentenced to three years in prison, and another Illini get in trouble for pointing his gun out the car window at another car. So, you know, you take the good with the bad.

Which is basically the same philosophy we take when it comes to your questions. We take both the good and the bad questions, and this week you'll see some of both. I'll let you try and figure out which ones are good and which ones are bad.

And if you'd like to send in a good or bad question -- preferably good -- for next week's #AskTCR, here's how you do it.

There are two ways to ask The Champaign Room your questions. You can tweet them at us on Twitter using the hashtag #AskTCR -- it just makes it easier to keep track -- or you can email them to us at TheChampaignRoom@gmail.com. And if you've got a personal question and you're worried about your privacy, just tell us. Well change your name to Tom Crean when we publish it on the site. And remember, you can ask us ANYTHING. It doesn't have to be about Illinois or even sports.

And now the questions.

Well, I wasn't going to report anything because I hadn't been able to confirm all the details, but yep. That's what's going to happen.

You see, Jerry Jones was flipping through the channels on the giant video board at Cowboys Stadium on Saturday when he came across the Illinois game against Purdue. While watching the game he started thinking about how it would be great if he could finally lure Sean Payton away from the Saints to his Cowboys. And then it hit him.

"Wait a minute," Jones said to himself, because Jerry Jones only talks to himself because everybody else is too poor to talk to. "Sean Payton went to Eastern Illinois. Illinois is sort of located in the eastern half of Illinois. Maybe this Tim Beckman guy is the next Sean Payton!

"No, that's stupid. Don't be stupid, Jerry."

But then the Illini won the game and Jones realized that Tim Beckman was the man he needed to bring the Cowboys back to glory. Tim Beckman would be the next Sean Payton. The next Jimmy Johnson.

Then, since Jones had approached Nick Saban about the Cowboys job at least once a week for the last three years, Jones knew that Illinois has always been Saban's dream job. He knew this because every time he offered Saban the Cowboys job Saban would respond "no thanks, Jerry. I'm waiting for the Illinois job to come open again."

Since Nick Saban is rich enough to talk to as a friend, Jones then called Saban and let him know that he's going to hire Tim Beckman to coach the Cowboys, which means the Illinois job will soon be open, and Saban will be free to move to Champaign.

And Saban's agent has already talked to Mike Thomas. The wheels are in motion. But it won't be announced until after the BCS title game should Alabama get there.

Again, not all of this is confirmed, so keep it between us for now, okay?

Excellent question, and I was going to spend quite a few minutes thinking of some good options for you. For instance, I'd love to see a "WHO IS THE NORTHWESTERN BAGMAN?" sign. Hell, I've already designed the sign for you, you'd just need to have it made.

Fitzbagman

And while that would be a great sign, it's probably hard to have made, so I'll just go with the idea Brandon already gave you, because I don't think I can come up with a better one.

So, yeah. Northwestern was my safety school.

Every Thanksgiving my siblings and nieces/nephews do a Christmas drawing. Pretty typical, everyone makes a list of gift ideas for themselves, lists go in a hat and you buy a gift for the person you draw. What should I put on my list this year? - Scott Stein

Are they legally bound to get you what you put on the list? Because if so I'd ask for a billion dollars. If not, I'd ask for something more reasonable, like a win over Northwestern this week, an NCAA tournament bid, Charles Matthews, Carlton Bragg, a pass-rushing defensive end, a safety, and another linebacker.

I had a great pick-up line that I always used, and although it didn't work every time, I was never able to think of anything better.

What I would do was, if I saw a girl out at a bar, or anywhere really, that I wanted to talk to first I'd go to the bathroom to make sure I looked good. Get my shit right, you know? Then, after I finished making sure I was as handsome as usual, I'd finally approach the girl. On the way there I would try to establish eye contact with her, let her know I was coming.

I didn't want to catch her off-guard, because then she's immediately defensive. We want her receptive.

Then, when I finally got to her, I'd continue looking her in the eye and I would unleash the pick-up line of all pick-up lines.

"Hi."

IT WAS MAGICAL, I TELL YOU, MAGICAL.

Seriously, pick-up lines are so god damned cheesy. Now, I'm not a woman, and I've never been a woman, but if a guy came up to me with some obviously rehearsed line, he'd have no shot in hell. Well, unless he was extremely good-looking and possibly rich.

But if not, no way. Because I would know that I'm not the first girl he's used that line on, and I'd know that he's spent time actually working on that line because he's too stupid to just know how to start a conversation naturally. Plus, would you want to spend any time with a guy who does that?

It's just so douchey to me.

Go up to her. Say hi. Talk to her like she's a normal human being. Be confident, but not cocky. Don't complain about anything, no woman wants to hear some guy she doesn't know bitch and moan about shit she doesn't care about. Just talk, ask her questions, make some jokes.

Be a nice guy. You'd be amazed how often this works.

Of course, I'm extremely handsome, so it's possible this always worked for me just because I'm irresistible to women.

If you're being practical, I'd say a handgun is the obvious choice. It's easier to handle, and it's much easier to hold out your window while you're driving. But me? If I'm going to stick a gun out my window while driving, I want to make an impression.

So I'm thinking AK-47. Not only will it get you noticed, but if a cop sees you it'll likely give him pause.

"As long as he doesn't shoot anybody, I'm not fucking with that guy."

Tony Soprano. While both are selfish individuals, Tony Soprano took some joy with beating people up for the fun of it sometimes, and would gladly accept payment for it. Whereas Walter White only fucked with people who were fucking with him. He didn't give a shit about anybody but himself.

Plus every time Walter thought he was fixing something he was really just making things worse.

Neither, really. Frankly, it's pretty harmless.

It really is fun to see how things have changed with that fan base over the last few months. Earlier this season when I'd make a joke about Northwestern on Twitter there would be a few Northwestern fans who would give the typical Northwestern response of "50-14!!!" or talk about how the Illini can't even win a Big Ten game.

And then Big Ten play started.

Now I make jokes about Northwestern, and for the most part I get nothing but silence in return. Yes, it seems Northwestern Fan has died. Which is a shame, for Northwestern Fan was so young.

RIP Northwestern Fan 2012-2013.

That people are fucking insane. Some people want to go join a stampede to go shopping, while other people just do all their Christmas shopping online and get it all taken care of in 15 minutes while sitting in their pajamas and watching football.

Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me.

Jordan Lynch is obviously very very good. Could he do this in the Big Ten or SEC? Would you draft him if you were a GM? -- bakes1412

Jordan Lynch is very very good. As for whether he'd be any good in the Big Ten, well, in two games against Iowa and Purdue this season he has 573 total yards and seven total touchdowns. HOWEVER, there is something that's hard to ignore.

In eight conference games Lynch is averaging 164.5 rushing yards per game and 7.7 yards per carry. In his two games against Iowa and Purdue he rushed for a total of 91 yards at 2.9 yards per carry. Now let's look back to NIU's Orange Bowl against Florida State when Lynch rushed for 44 yards on 23 carries.

So, in short, I think Lynch would be a good enough quarterback in the Big Ten or the SEC but he wouldn't be putting up nearly the same kind of numbers he has in the MAC. And that's why while I'm fine with Lynch being invited to New York as a Heisman finalist, there's simply no way you can give him the actual Heisman Trophy.

I love the MAC. I am one of the originators of the #MACtion phenomenon amongst college football hipsters. But the MAC isn't good. And the MAC makes Jordan Lynch look a lot better than he really is.

AS for whether or not I'd draft him as an NFL general manager, no. Simply because I don't think he could play quarterback in the NFL, and he's not fast enough to use at running back or tight end.

They're both incredibly easy to make fun of because they look insane in every photo ever taken of them. Crean is always yelling and Fitzy always looks like he's shitting his pants.

This is the new "are the Illini going to go to a bowl game/is Cliff Alexander going to come to Illinois?" of #AskTCR. However, this one hurts my feelings because it shows me you aren't a loyal reader of the site. WHY YOU NO READ EVERY WORD I WRITE?

YOU NO LOVE ILLINI?

YOU NO LOVE TOM?

The answer is no. Had we lost to Purdue I think there may have been a chance it happened, but as I've been saying since last season ended and throughout this season, no. He's not getting fired. The school is not paying three former coaches at the same time.

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Thanks for the questions! If you submitted a question that didn't get answered, don't worry, it's possible that I'm just saving it for the next mailbag. It's also possible the question sucked and you need to ask better questions next time. I guess you'll just have to wait to find out.

Follow The Champaign Room on Twitter at @Champaign_Room and Like us on Facebook. You can follow Tom Fornelli on Twitter at @TomFornelli.

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