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#AskTCR: Dana Is Just THE WORST


You guys are the best. Last week I asked you to start mixing up your questions a bit. While there's nothing wrong with asking about the Illini, as I said last week, I can only answer different versions of the same question so many times. So I wanted you guys to get creative,  asking me about anything that was on your mind.

And you did just that.

Not only did you send in more questions this week than in any other -- seriously, I feel bad for how many questions I had to cut -- but you also sent in some of the most interesting questions I've received.

If you want to send in a question for next week's #AskTCR, here's how you do it.

There are two ways to ask The Champaign Room your questions. You can tweet them at us on Twitter using the hashtag #AskTCR -- it just makes it easier to keep track -- or you can email them to us at And if you've got a personal question and you're worried about your privacy, just tell us. Well change your name to Tom Crean when we publish it on the site. And remember, you can ask us ANYTHING. It doesn't have to be about Illinois or even sports.

So let's get to all of these new and interesting questions.


When it comes to a guilty pleasure television show that I watch, there's really only one that qualifies. That would be Big Brother. I watch it every summer, but I don't talk about it with anybody I know because I don't want to admit to people that I watch Big Brother. But I love that show. I look at it as more of a science experiment than a competition.

As for what I'm watching this season, the truth is, not much. Fall and winter are dominated by sports for me, but there are some shows I still watch every week. However, I've noticed a trend this fall. I think Breaking Bad ruined a lot of television for me. The show was just so good that everything else seems weak by comparison.

For instance, I've basically given up on The Walking Dead. It's just that it's the same shit over and over again. There really is no growth in the show, as everything stays the same all the time, and OH HEY LOOK ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ARE COOL. If you took the zombies out nobody would watch that show, and I've stopped already.

Then there's Homeland which is very close to being removed from the DVR as well, though I'm going to give it a few more episodes. Seriously, though, I know she's just an actor but I feel like there's a very good chance that if I saw the girl who plays Dana on the street I would hit her. And I know that's terrible to say, but I just hate Dana so much, you guys.

As for what I'm still watching, right now the only things that I watch every week are Sons of Anarchy, Boardwalk Empire, It's Always Sunny, South Park, Survivor and Top Chef. Other than that's it's sports or no television at all.

I'm really looking forward to January, though, because that's when Archer, Justified and The Americans all return.

It's so hard to predict something like this, but as I wrote about in The Day After, I think Jon Tenuta would be considered a favorite if Mike London does get fired at Virginia. For those of you unfamiliar with Jon Tenuta, he's been coaching defenses for a long time. Tenuta got into coaching right after graduating from Virginia in 1981, and he's been a defensive coordinator at Marshall, Kansas State, SMU, Ohio State, North Carolina, Georgia Tech, Notre Dame and now Virginia.

You can tell he has a great agent because not only does he get a lot of jobs, but he's been rumored for a lot of jobs as well.

Of course, you may be most familiar with him because he was announced as a member of Tim Beckman's first staff here in January 2012. He would have been our defensive coordinator then before deciding the next day he'd stay at NC State.

If it's not Tenuta, another name I'd expect to hear is Ron English's. English has been at Eastern Michigan for five seasons now, and things aren't going well. There's a good chance he'll be fired. Before taking over at EMU, though, English was a defensive coordinator at Michigan -- until Lloyd Carr was fired -- and Louisville for a season. He had some good defenses in that run. His experience within the Big Ten as a coach, along with his California roots, could make him a attractive option for Tim Beckman.

If you were bitten and about to turn into a zombie, what outfit would you put on? - bakes1412

I would want to be dead the way I lived. I'd put on my black hoodie and my Nike sweat pants. If I'm doomed to roam the Earth forever as a zombie, I'm going to do it comfortably, damn it.

Oh man, the first one for me is easy, and given your Twins avatar I'm sure you'll love it as well.

The first one I'd do would be on the 2005 White Sox. I think now that it's nearly 10 years later it'd be much more interesting to go back and get a behind the scenes look at what really happened with that team throughout the season. And even if it wasn't interesting, it'd be interesting to me.

The other two aren't nearly as easy.

I would probably try to find out what went on behind the scenes after the Bears won the Super Bowl in 1985. Because that was a team that should have won multiple Super Bowls, and I'd like to hear from the players and coaches from those teams on what they think the reasons they weren't able to get back to the Super Bowl were. Plus, there were so many characters on those teams that you know there'd be some interesting stories.

And the third would be about the 2004-05 Illini because duh. The nearly undefeated regular season, the Arizona comeback, the Final Four, who wouldn't want to relive all of that?

You know, I've said this before, and I know I'm just as guilty of it as anybody else, but I feel like we're expecting Wes Lunt to be Superman, and that we could also be setting him up for failure if he's not the greatest quarterback of all time.

Because, to be real, I'm not sure how much improvement we should expect from the offense, particularly in the passing game. I know Nate has had some bad games, but he's still ranked in the top 20 nationally in passing efficiency, yards per attempt and completion percentage. He's in the top 45 in yards and touchdowns as well. Saying that, though, I do think Lunt is a much better fit for what Bill Cubit would like to do than Nate. I also think having a year off to work in the system before actually having to go out and execute it gives Lunt another advantage on Nate.

Which could lead to Lunt having some amazing seasons in the offense.

However, what I would really like to see improvement in on offense next year is the run game. The Illini are ranked 70th or lower in just about every major run statistic, they also lack the big plays. The Illini have only seven runs of 20 yards or more this season, which is tied for 79th nationally. They only have one run of 30 yards or more, and that was a 34-yard run from Josh Ferguson. Being able to make more big plays in the run game will make the passing game even stronger, and the offense stronger overall.

I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? - Mike Girdwood

Let's check.


No, just the one.

Seriously, here's my hand.


This is the weirdest question we've ever received, though, so even if I'm not who you thought I was, you can still take solace in that.

You, know, I really don't know. I think a lot of it depends on the health of Venric Mark and Kain Colter, but it's also the schedule. The Wildcats have a lot of tough games left to play against Iowa, Nebraska, Michigan and Michigan State. And there was a fun scenario that I was thinking about over the weekend that I think would make this supposed rivalry between Illinois and Northwestern a real rivalry.

Let's say Northwestern wins one of their next four games. Meanwhile the Illini knock off Michigan State this weekend and Purdue the week before the Northwestern game.

Northwestern would then be coming to Champaign with a 5-6 record to take on an Illinois team with a 5-6 record. Winner goes to a bowl, loser stays home.

Tell me that wouldn't stoke the rivalry fires.

It's pretty great, right? I'm all for Bruce Pearl getting screwed whenever possible.

Alright, been reading the Deadspin Funbag which to be honest is far more entertaining than this one however that has nothing to do with your writing. It is due to, as you pointed out, the shitty, repeat questions that have been asked. So I'm gonna change it up, here's my question.

In high school the night before a game, while at team dinner, my teammates and I got into an extended and heated debate on what the proper "wiping" technique is; as all teenage boys do at some point. I was in the minority, though there were a few others in agreement, when I said "Sitting from the front" was the only thorough way to do it. A majority claimed "standing from the back" was the way to go. While, one loner said "sitting from the back". They all have their fairly obvious advantages and disadvantages but which one wins out? What is the proper wiping technique?

You asked for different, so there it is. - Tom Crean

Ladies, you can stop reading write here since none of this applies to you because we all know ladies don't poop.

Sitting from the front is a terrible method! You are literally smearing your entire taint and possibly your balls as well. The point of wiping your ass is to clean it, not to spread the fun to other parts of your body. The only "fairly obvious advantage" that technique has is "I'm taking a shit and I'm way too lazy to actually put effort into it, and I don't feel like moving."

So I guess it's very advantageous if you're lazy. But I take my shitting seriously, sir. Some of my finest writing is done in my head while I'm there.

The loner who said sitting from the back is just as lazy as you are, but he's also stupid. I'm going to go ahead and assume he dropped out and got a job working on cars. Because he's obviously good with his hands if he can wipe from the back without standing, but he's too stupid to just stand up.

I'm firmly with the standing from the back crowd, because it's the only thing that makes sense. Well, in America anyway. If we could just get the bidet to become a regular thing in American bathrooms I think we'd all be happier as a society.

I bet if we got bidets we'd be out of any wars we were in within five years and we'd never be in another one.


Thanks for the questions! If you submitted a question that didn't get answered, don't worry, it's possible that I'm just saving it for the next mailbag. It's also possible the question sucked and you need to ask better questions next time. I guess you'll just have to wait to find out.

Follow The Champaign Room on Twitter at @Champaign_Room and Like us on Facebook. You can follow Tom Fornelli on Twitter at @TomFornelli.

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