Mike LaTulip: Illinois' Secret Weapon

It's not like I try to make a secret of it. If I had to pick a logical favorite player on this current Illini basketball team, I would pick Tracy Abrams, based on talent, potential, and importance. But as you've come to know, I have very little problem leaving logic behind as if it were one of those weird colorful shots in a test tube the pretty waitresses at Joe's would always try to sell me. It might only be $2, but much like logic, I just don't trust it.

So with logic no longer being a requirement or necessity, it's safe and refreshing to say that Mike LaTulip is my favorite Illini. I realize that there is a significantly non-zero chance he will find this article and be thoroughly creeped out. Worth it. Totally worth it.

And what's not to love (really should use a less creepy word)? The Snap Dragon (not Petunia, regardless of what Fornelli says/thinks) is supposedly my height and about eight lbs lighter than me. I'm not entirely sure how much I believe that, but it's still awesome.

Does he have journalistic ambitions? Can he be our Mark Titus? He's a white walk-on who was incredibly talented in high school and could easily destroy any of us on the court, but doesn't really seem like he'll ever do much more in conference play than run around eating time after an injury.

Mark Titus was a pretty huge influence on my early writing style for SBN, so I've got a huge soft spot for trillionaires. And have you been paying attention to my comments and tweets lately? If not, hold onto your butts:

Last night LaTulip recorded the rare three trillion. Three entire minutes of play without recording any other statistic than minutes played! How is that even possible? And it's his fifth trillion of the season. Have you checked the Illini's record when Snap Dragon records a trillion? You don't have to, because I did. Because I love you all. Not as much as LaTulip, but still. They're 4-1. For those of you who also hated classes in Altgeld Hall, that works out to an .800 winning percentage. And with logic out the window we can safely say that with LaTulip in the game but not touching the ball, the Illini would finish the regular season with 25-26 wins. So long bubble!

So it's painfully obvious what needs to happen over the rest of the season. And if there is any justice in this world at all, John Groce will send in LaTulip to guard Andre Almeida on March 2nd when Nebraska comes to Champaign.

Follow The Champaign Room on Twitter at @Champaign_Room. You can follow U-God on Twitter at @SSS_UGod.