In Week 10 of the College Basketball season, our beloved Illini cracked the AP Poll, landing a spot at #23. As lore has begun to demonstrate, Illinois struggles greatly upon earning an AP Ranking, and our boys in Orange and Blue have let lore live on, struggling on the offensive end against Wisconsin, and in the first half against Northwestern, generating groans and eye rolls throughout all of Illini Nation.
I have the explanation. Or a theory, at least. Bo Ryan, being the coaching mastermind and villain Illini fans have grown to hate, recognized what he had to work with in the players he had on the roster coming in to this season. Acknowledging the agonizingly white state of his roster, Bo abandoned conventional offseason preparation in favor of a more experimental, low risk, high reward offseason approach. He set his team to spend the offseason not in the gyms of the Nicholas-Johnson Pavilion, Wisconsin's practice facilities, but rather the film room where they spent their offseason studying game tape. Not conventional game tape, however. They spent the summer watching nothing but Space Jam.
Why would they do that, you ask? He wanted to capture the art of turning this into that. Bo dedicated the offseason into studying the art of siphoning talent from players, as The Monstars did to the likes of NBA greats Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues, and Shawn Bradley. Is there any other explanation for how these guys could do this?
Wisconsin has mastered this talent siphoning. They took it right out of our Illini. Now, we, Illini Nation, must wait for none other than Chicago's Michael Jordan to save us. Or, Chicago's new favorite bald man, JFG. Whoever it may be, basketball gods have mercy and send them soon. This is getting ugly.