Pizza In Central Illinois Just Isn't Worth It

In which we Champaigniacs show our more chivalrous side.

So an interesting little Champaign related blip popped up on Deadspin last night. If you can't access that link for whatever reason, I'll do my best to summarize the article.

Campustown's worst pizza shop, Drew's Pizza, seems to accept an alternate form of currency as payment for their incredibly lackluster product.

That currency is boobs.

Apparently that's a thing. Which is just really sad in at least three ways I can think of with little effort.

The first? These (I'm assuming) male college age employees are in that dire of straits in regards to seeing boobs that they have to offer a pizza worse than Jack's to drunk girls in order to see some? I remember being young and desperate and completely lacking in game, but this just seems sad and a terrible business practice.

Secondly, there is no pizza anywhere in central Illinois worth getting naked for. I'm sorry, there just isn't. Not Papa Del's, not my beloved and no longer existing Prime Time, not Monical's (no matter what you weird central Illinois natives think, that place is awful), and sure as hell not Drew's.

And the worst?

I used to be a decently shitty young man in undergrad. We've talked about some things I'm not entirely proud of on here. And while I've never been the "show me your bewbs!" type, there is a distinct history of being kind of a dick to girls, especially those not interested in me. Not proud of it, but our pasts are our pasts.

Thing is, you get a bit older, you stop acting like a dumbass, and you want to go back and shake your past self silly. But you can't. That sort of technology doesn't exist yet and even if it did, the repercussions would be deadly. So the next best thing you can do is try to offer advice to those younger than you (Mark, you're 25, you're not a sage).

Guys, don't be douchebags. It's literally that simple. Have some respect for yourself and the girls you're trying to get with.

Girls, value yourself more than the $11 that shitty pizza would have cost.

And everyone? Go get better drunk food than Drew's.

Follow The Champaign Room on Twitter at @Champaign_Room and Like us on Facebook. You can follow Mark Primiano on Twitter at @SSS_UGod.

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