Open Bar: A General Anatomy Lesson

NOT YOU TOO TIM! - Kevork Djansezian

While working on another post, I realized something that I need to share with the world.

I'm a White Sox fan, so the news that John Danks' shoulder still isn't quite right is depressing to me. I'm also in veterinary school, so injuries kind of fascinate me since they allow me to use my overly expensive education on understanding things. I was thinking about shoulder injuries in general when I reached a stunning moment of clarity:

The human shoulder is held together by failed childhood aspirations.

Shoulderjoint_png_medium

This image is a lie!

Think about it for a minute! What job group of the world's population suffers from the most shoulder injuries? Athletes! And why is this? You might think it's because they're doing incredibly dangerous things at ridiculous speeds. Or that they're doing things that the human shoulder isn't built to do. But you'd be wrong.

Athletes injure their shoulders so often because unlike the majority of people, they've reached their dreams. They shot for the moon and actually got there. Unlike you, they didn't want to be an astronaut (strong rotator cuff) or the President (tight AC joint). They wanted to be athletes and the cost for reaching your dreams is unstable shoulders.

Need more proof? My childhood dream was to become a vet. For the 22 years I lived before getting to vet school, no shoulder injuries despite all the swimming, soccer, rugby, and general stupidity that comes with being a bored middle-class suburban male. But in my first month out here at Kansas State I dislocated my shoulder and tore the labrum to shreds. The final dislocation before I finally admitted maybe I need surgery? It happened in my apartment when I started jumping around like a moron because Nathan Scheelhaase scored a 1 yard touchdown, knocking Northwestern into the dirt and extending the perfect start to the 2011 football season.

I flew too close to the sun and my shoulders paid the price. I'm telling you this to warn you, because you are my readers and I care about you. Stop following your dreams! Accept a life of settling and mediocrity! Save your shoulders!

Follow The Champaign Room on Twitter at @Champaign_Room. You can follow Mark on Twitter at @SSS_UGod.

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